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Scott Hamilton phones it in. Patrick Chan drops the first pancake. Michal Brezina just jumps. Alban Préaubert wins… worst outfit. Denis Ten — Mall Skater! The Japanese Joker, Daisuke Takahashi. Jeremy Abbott stops oinking.  Evan Lysacek skates TODAY.

Akiko Suzuki is a jet all the way. Caroline Zhang has a nice outfit! Laura Lepistö looks good; she just can’t skate. Mirai Nagasu takes Frank’s advice. Alissa Czisny could be a star. Don’t get Joannie Rochette angry. Maria Mukhortova and Maxim Trankov drop trou. Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy have a long program in Africa. Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett stand up.

Tanith Belbin not skating

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Elene Gedevanishvili not skating.

Ryan Bradley pulls a Hamilton. Shawn Sawyer is in no Rush. Florent Amodio clowns around. Evan Lysacek wins by a feather. Elene Gedevanishvili develops. Emily Hughes fills in for Sasha. Elena Glebova – Estonia’s premiere skater. Fumie Suguri is 28 and so is Júlia Sebestyén — which one will go to Vancouver?! Rachael Flatt goes long. Kim Yu-Na gets shaken, not stirred. Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig try to pick up a spare. Zhang Dan and Zhang Hao stand and deliver, sort of. Meagan Duhamel and Craig Buntin keep a bad streak going. Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo run in front. Tatiana Volosozhar and Stanislav Morozov set a new standard. Nothing rhymes with Keauna McLaughlin and Rockne Brubaker. And Ice Castles gets remade — HOW DARE THEY!

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Brian Joubert bugs. Johnny Weir bugs. Michal Březina bugs. Daisuke Takahashi bugs. Jeremy Abbott bugs slightly less than last year. Adam Rippon bugs. Miki Ando bores. Alena Leonova bores. Ashley Wagner zones out. Rena Inoue and John Baldwin ARE STILL SKATING. Meryl Davis and Charlie White just may have what it takes.

Plus, Liz and Tori rub their crystal balls and predict the future!